On Random Happiness
I miss a lot of people in my life. People who live on different continents and aren’t within an easy reach from Bangkok. I miss you all, my dear friends from Budapest, Moscow, Cairo, Vladivostok and other places I’ve been to. Traveling a lot means turning into a pathetic and a bit nostalgic girl with teary eyes and a warm heart.
Anyways, I was inspired by my dear friend Maggie, whom I haven’t seen since our Spring vacay in Paris in 2010.
Over the past few months I’ve been living and expecting something to happen. I was waiting. Bangkok seemed temporary, everything seemed like an illusion before something big would happen. I was waiting for the moment to come, like a snake before killing its big prey, I was waiting for my greatest opportunity to seize it. Walking down the streets of Thonglor I felt like Keira Knightley “Seeking a friend for the end of the world”. My world was collapsing and changing. I was waiting for it. Everything was breaking and I was broken inside. Self-pity and depression were my constant drinking companions. Yet here I am, still in Bangkok and it seems that I am not going anywhere anytime soon.
My friend Sophie once said: ‘I am busy being rejected’ so was I; rejected from the job of my dreams, not getting the lifestyle I wanted, not getting the love I was seeking. Being loved and loving back, but not moving forward.
I was in transition like a water turning into ice in my freezer, my heart was becoming cold, it had frozen over the past weeks and transitioned to its final state of ‘not-giving-a-shit’.
So I was walking around my neighborhood on a warm Thai night, listening to the new tunes by Coldplay, feeling miserable and lonely when it hit me that I’ve been living while dreaming of what could be and planning my life ahead. It is so hard to learn how to feel the moment and stop your self-destructing thinking.
So I hop on the motorbike taxi. Motorbike rides make me feel incredibly alive, the feeling of happiness spreads all over my body while the warm wind plays with my hair. I am happy, I am sunshine, I am love.
One Friday night I was coming back home from yet another party in Bangkok. Madeleine and I got into a cab. We were busy chatting and laughing when the cab ran into a mini van. Time slowed down, I screamed, I almost smashed into the driver’s seat because of the sudden stop and hit. I remember the fear and adrenalin. I needed a smoke. Madeleine was hysterical, she kept on saying that we needed to get into another cab. The driver got out of the car, checked the damages and got back in. He was in a state of a deep shock as he kept on driving and didn’t even hear me asking to stop the car. I had to scream at him as he missed our turn.
Getting back home, I realized how lucky I am to get out of this mess safe and sound. Life is a gift, life is good. Living in the moment is the hardest thing I’ve ever learnt how to do.